What A Fuckin' Mess???

I'm trying to understand you. Each time I try, you push me away....
When I walk away from you, you pull me back...
And each time you do that, I keep on forgiving you...
I'm learning you, babe...
I'm learning you...

I know I've been such a fool as I'm too childish...
Yet this is me...
If you love me, please learn and accept me...
If not, just let me go...
Coz I cannot be like this forever...

I HATE YOU COZ I LOVE YOU SOOOOO DAMN MUCH!!!!!!

WTF???

Early morning, aku sudah badmood...
Yalah..bila aku fikir pasal friendshipku yang mula retak dan berbelah-belah ni...
Aku mula rasa sedih...
Fikir pasal ex aku lagi...
Siapa??
Aih...Afiq namanya...
Aku lagi la sedih...
Memikirkan kenapalah aku sayang bangat sama dia?
Huhuhuhu...
I know someday I will forget him..
Hopefully... :-S

PENING...PUSING...BINGGUNG...

TULUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANY DRUGS TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS?!!!!

GIMME MORE...kata Britney Spears...

Hahahahahaha~

Mata Terbeliak, Minda Terbuka, Hati Menerima

Selama 18 tahun, 1 bulan dan entah berapa hari aku hidup di dunia ini... aku sedar banyak perkara. Banyak aku belajar dan banyak aku alami. Ada yang pahit dan ada yang manis. Ada tangisan dan ada ketawa. Aku kenal pelbagai ragam orang di dunia. Kalau dulu, aku susah mahu percaya ada orang yang terlalu jahat... Tapi hakikatnya, aku sudah lihat banyak kejahatan. Kita kena alaminya sendiri... barulah kita rasainya...

Dulu... aku langsung ndak percaya orang yang ndak la sehandsome mana sanggup tinggalkan aku sebab penampilanku. Bila aku berubah... melaram sikit, pandai pula mengesot datang padaku dan katakan.. "Ee, Wanie... cantik sudah kau!" Sedarkah orang tu yang dulu dia tinggalkan aku sebab rupaku? Sekarang... dia salahkan adik aku sebab hubungan kami terputus? Bodoh...memang bodoh!

Lepas tu... aku kenal buli oleh budak-budak cina. Aku bukan mau bersikap perkauman di sini tapi inilah hakikat. Dorang buli aku sebab aku ndak cantik... nampak lemah jak. Selalu aku nangis. Aku balik dari rumah, aku nangis. Sampai satu tahap, bestie aku... si Alynn, suruh aku tukar penampilan. Dari situ, dorang diam. Bukan diam completely la.. Mulut dorang tu becok... Sampai saat ini, aku fobia sama orang cina... pasal sekumpulan budak cina yang menjatuhkan orang yang lemah, aku takut dengan semua orang cina...

Aku berkawan dengan seorang lelaki ini. Dia memang baik. Pandai lagi tu. Tapi... satu masalahnya. Dia suka merajuk dengan aku setiap hujung tahun! Dia biarkan aku pergi memujuk dia macam HANJING! Baru aku tau tadi... kawan aku sorang lagi bagitau..Lelaki tu bagitau kawan aku tu yang biar aku yang pergi pujuk dia. Gentleman? Jauh bara dari panggang! Yakah? Salahkah? Hahaha.. Entahlah...aku tau aku bodoh.. Bukan macam dia... pandai... tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku ndak buat kawan aku macam tue...

And then... aku dengan ex aku dulu larh... Mr E. Uwa~~~ Memang aku sayang gilak la sama dia... Tapi? Tapi... aku jadi single sampai 7 bulan sebab aku takut jadi macam dulu. Aku ni macam tempat dia menumpang kesedihan... Sebab aku sayang dia, banyak kali aku terima dia... Dia break, aku dikasi on. Pastu dia kasi break, dia on dengan orang lain. Time aku pergi KL, aku jumpa dia... Okay larh.. Dia pegang tangan aku. Wow...first time owh! Aku fikir bolehlah kami rujuk balik... Rupa-rupanya... Dia ada gf... Hampir perang aku dengan gf dia time tu. Nasib baik aku pandai main psiko nie... Nah... Aku pemaaf. Aku tetap kawan dengan dia... And dia trust dengan aku. Sebab dia kenal siapa aku...

Selama 7 bulan single, akhirnya terketuk pintuku oleh seorang lelaki. Tinggi lampai orangnya! Huh.. aku jumpa dia di TS. Yalah... shegan larh aku sebab dia tau aku suka dia. Dia cakap aku macam cina... hahaha.. And then, pas jumpa tu... dia ndak contact aku lagi. Dia ndak SMS...kalau aku call, macam namo cakap. Tukar nombor dengan alasan handphone dia hilang. Aku sedih. 3 bulan aku diam... Baru-baru ni aku tegur dia, dia okay la... Dia cakap aku yang kasi tinggal dia. Okay.. aku terSANGAT la blank! Pastu dia ada bagi status d MS yang dia benci someone. Aku tanya larh... terus dia cakap.. "It's none of your business." Tersentak aku.. Sedih... Aku ambil keputusan jauhkan diri dari dia...

Sekarang ada ex ni.. Aku malas mau cerita apa-apa. Someday... maybe aku akan cerita... but not now... Well, he makes me open my eyes to see that the world is a place of cruelty! Aku kadang-kadang diperlinya... Aku diam... Apa boleh buat... Malas! Aku sayang dia... Macam ni la pulak jadinya! Stupidity reveal... that is me! :-S

Sekarang? Kawan rapat aku... Kenapa berubah kerana orang baru? Apa kurangnya kami sama kamu? Aku hairan... aku sedih... Yang lain pun sedih. Siapa yang ndak sedih bila kawan rapat buat macam tue? Sedangkan selama tu... ada krisis, ada masalah, ada happiness... banyak lagi... kita share. Kita ketawa sama-sama. Ada jak aktiviti kita... Tapi ini terjadi sama kita? Apalah konon tu??? Ndak aku sangka jadi macam ni... Langsung ndak disangka-sangka. Kata FRIENDS TILL DIE... tapi belum mati pun sudah abes hancur berkecai persahabatan yang murni mulanya... tapi dicemari dengan kekaburan hati dalam memilih kawan. Kami bukan apa... kami ndak kesah kamu ada kawan baru.. kami tau someday kamu ada kawan baru gak.. tapi ingat2 la kawan di sini. Kawan kamu yang kamu anggap the best! :-( Tapi kamu tau? Kami tetap kawan kamu~

Kawan aku... lama sdh aku ndak contact dia. Dia pun buat aku terkejut...Dia sekarang ndak banyak ceta dengan aku. Aku rindu dia. Dia di KL sekarang ni. Entahlah... tapi aku rasa dia perlu tau... Aku ndak suka dia masuk CLUB! Tapi aku ndak sanggup gtau dia straight... Nanti banyak pulak hujah-hujahnya. Kalah PM! :-D Kawanku... kau pandai-pandailah jaga diri ya... Di sana sangat buas... Kau jatuh sikit, kau kena pijak sampai mati. So, pandai-pandailah jalan. Aku cakap sebagai kawan... kawan kau yang kau anggap cantik! Hahahahahaha..:-D

Namun begitu, aku jumpa seorang yang tahan dengan perangai aku. Edy... Kesian dia. Aku langsung ndak dapat terima cinta dia. Huhuhu... Berapa kali sudah dia minta couple tapi aku reject. Kenapa? Aku ndak dapat restu dari ramai orang. Lagipun, aku anggap dia kawan jak. Kadang-kadang, aku rasa akulah penjahat dalam hidupku. Edy...kau the best. Kalau kau jodoh aku, ndak lari ke mana jugak. (Aik...awal cakap jodoh nie! Hahahahaha)

Habis SPM... terbuka mataku menengok dunia luar yang banyak duri-duri... Aku harapkan aku ada over-protected cushion... Supaya aku ndak luka teruk kena duri-duri ini. Ya.. aku nangis bila terguris dengan luka-luka ni. Tapi bukan bermakna aku lemah... aku cuma nangis sebab aku rasa sedih. That's all... I know I'm not the person who can be bring down easily... I'm tougher than you thought.. I'm stronger than you see...

HuH??????

Eee...

Boring wa aku...

Apalah ni kunuk???

Macam orang bodoh jak aku...

Kerja aku setiap hari On9, tengok TV, basuh kain, memasak untuk lunch, tidur...

Adikku pula di sekolah...

Kalau dia balik, akulah orang paling happy...

Dia pun happy gak...

Sebab dapatlah kami bercakap...

Ui...ui...

Boring wa aku...

Aku rasa aku macam NAIK GILA sudah...

And I missed KL...

Ya larh...of courselah rindu sama Kak Ani....

Tapi aku rindu mau shopping di sana wa...

Di Sandakan ni???

Ades...ndak payah cakap...

Orang Sandakan tau-taulah okay~

TULUN larh aku nie...

Cis....

Aku keboringan... Kebingungan...

Kenapa???

Aku pun ndak tau cik kiah ui~~~

Tapi aku tau something...

Hati aku tengah kacau...

Sampai aku boleh jadi GOKU sekarang nie...

He loves me, He loves me not???

Tapi bukan itu saja...

Aku berfikir pasal sambung belajar sekarang ni...

Isi borang pun daddy boleh marah-marah aku...

Tekanan hidup sedang bermula....

Deal With The Fucking Shit!!!!

Yesterday

(From left: Wanie, Natrah, Raidah, Zharif F, Zharif A, Hanif, Sulaiman)

Damn!!!! Yesterday was one of my best moments with my SILLY besties!!! Yehaaa... I'm loving it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha.. as usual, we will laugh without ignoring everyone else... hahaha... Sorry... we were over-excited yoooooo~~~~~~Actually, this is Geng Baek reunion... hahaha.. tapi kami kekurangan members lorh! Dora, Shahril, Rozi, Feez and Lina were not there...



(Time kanak-kanak riang.... Laskar Pelangi!!!)

At first, the main purpose kami tu mau main boling... tapi buduh!!!! Boling tu kena booking! Fed up nie... Ndak apa... We are looking forward to meet again. Next time, the whole bowling place will be book by us!!!! Hahahahahahaha... :-D Jangan jeles.... We are capable to do anything and everything!!!


(Minum....minum....minum....)


Hahahaha...you know what??? Yesterday, we drank a lot!!! As usual, we ate at KFC... hahahaha... bored of eating the same thing! Tapi apa boleh buat.... Sandakan ada itu saja... Kalau ada McD, sudah lama dibalun! Hahaha... Pizza pun ada... tapi mahal wa~ Miskin kami... Hahahaha... Oh yeah... for your information, we are not SMOKERS! Entah kenapa tiba-tiba ada habuk rokok tu... Tapi SHEMART siot gambar ni kan???


(PASSPORT posers!!!!)

Uwawawa~~~~ Passport posers!!! Kami models waa~~~ Biasalah... KeBUDUHan betul wa~ Tapi aku ndak kisah kalau dorang ada. Sama-sama jugak... Hehehe... Kalau digelar OVER, biarlah.... Kenapa??? Ada aku kisah??? Hahahahaha.... Like I care~~~~ Hahahahaha... sporting ba kami ni...


(HUHAI~~~~~~~~)

Time kami berjalan, tiba-tiba aku ternampak perkataan HUHAI. Aik??? Macam kenal jak tu. Aku terus panggil si Zharif A. Kami ketawa-ketawa... Hahaha... Apakah itu HUHAI??? Huhai tu macam trademark dialah. Apa tue? Kau tanyalah empunya diri sebab aku pun blank gak... So, kami ambil pose dengan perkataan HUHAI.... :-D Hebat kan??? Jangan jealous...



(GENG BAEK saja...)

Syok ba jumpa dorang. Kami makan, kami ketawa. Kami jalan, kami ketawa. Kami naik bas, kami ketawa. kami turun bas, kami naik bas. Kami pergi check wayang, kami ketawa. Kami tanya orang pasal boling, kami ketawa. Kami minum, kami ketawa. Kami bergambar, kami ketawa. Kami ketawa...kami ketawa...kami ketawa.... orang blank???? Hahahaha....


(Goodbye...bye...bye...bye... No la damn)

Hari yang best. Sukar untuk tinggalkan dorang. But we are looking forward to meet up again! :-D So... this song I dedicated to my friends....

I'm lucky I'm in love with my bestfriends...
Lucky to have been where I have been...
Lucky to be coming home again...
Ooooooooooooooooooo....
(Chorus of Lucky-Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Caillat)

Beberapa Hari Ini...

Gambar dari webcam laptop aku... Hahahaha.... chomel ka? Hehehehe... perasan jak aku nie ba! Dush...dush...(tumbuk diri sendiri). Uwa.... beberapa hari ni...aku hairan... Aku langsung tiada menangis. Selalunya... setiap hari aku menangis. Hahahaha... bukan apa... oleh sebab kakakku terlalu geram sebab melihat kegemukanku, dia suka pukul sama gigit aku. Jadi aku rasa kepedihannya... aku menangislah! Hahahaha.... Entah kenapa beberapa hari ni aku tabah jak. Tabah??? A'a la tue kan....

Dua malam yang lalu... pulang dari ofis kakak... Time mau naik tangga pergi rumah, tiba-tiba jak aku ternampak seekor mentadak. Besar? Besar!!!!! macam pemadam! Hehehe... aku terlompat-lompat sebab aku ndak mau naik! Kakak aku ketawakan aku jak... Hahahaha.... aku takut jak mentadak tu masuk ke dalam skirt aku! Hahahaha...Akhirnya aku dapat naik jugak apabila kakak tolong menghalaunya... Hehehehehehe... Bodoh jak kan???

Sampai jak di rumah, aku called Daddy. Dia kangen bangat sama aku... aku anaknya yang paling gemuk!!!!! Hehehehe... Kakak bagitau pasal mentadak tu... Daddy cakap jangan marah ba aku... Hahahaha... yeay! Sayang daddy!!! Daddy cakap memang aku macam tue... Pernah sekali... time form 3, aku masuk tandas kelam kabut... Ini masih di rumah. Aku tutup pintu tapi ndak dapat-dapat. Berabes aku tutup... masih jugak ndak tertutup. Bila aku tengok di bucu pintu tue, seekor CICAK yang besar pecah kepala sebab tergepit! Uwaa... terus aku berteriak! Tau siapa datang dulu? Daddy!!! Dia yang tolong aku keluar dari tandas tu sebab aku ndak mau keluar! Hahahahaha... That's why I called him as my TRUE hero! :-D

Tiba-tiba, ex boyfriend aku yang lama sudah... Emal...dia SMS aku. Aku ndak hairan pun... hahaha... Sebab kami masih kawan. Tapi apa yang buat aku terkejut ialah kandungannya! Dia dapat PLKN di Sandakan, Sabah! Waaa.... jodoh ka ni? Hahahaha.. bodoh jak. Aku tersenyum. Segera aku call dia. Dia cakap aku sudah jadi ganas. Hahaha... yalah... Aku cakap "Nah... matilah kau di Sandakan nanti!" Hahahaha... baru aku perasan... dia sudah ada girlfriend baru. Sorry to say.... But his girlfriend looks old!!! Uwaa... hehehehe... WHAT-SO-EVER... aku tau pun dari si Eyza, ex-girlfriend si Emal jugak... Budak Emal nie... Aku rasa aku yang paling lama sama dia... Sebab exnya lain semua sebulan dua jak. Kami 6 bulan... Hehehehe...

Aku balik Sandakan 09 Mac 2009 bersamaan hari Isnin iaitu Maulidur Rasul. :-D Jam 7.15 pagi aku sudah berlepas dari sini... Sampai Sandakan jam 10.00 pagi. Uwaa... Sandakan, here I come again! KL, bye and thanks for being such a plesure place to be! :-D Kesian Kak Ani... dia seorang lagi. Setiap kali dia kacau kalau aku tidur... Dia rindu aku nanti... Siannya.. :-( Siapa-siapa kawan aku di KL, bye-bye... entah bila lagi boleh jumpa... I will remember you! Believe me!!! Dora, Afiq, Edy, Shaf, Ameer, Ajai.... daa~~~

Urm..oh iya!!! Lupa pulak... time jumpa dengan Dora, dapatlah aku jumpa si Ajai for the second time and Ameer for the first time. Pertama...kami diam jak. Si Dora yang Kecoh ada di backstage. Bila si Ajai memulakan langkah dengan membawa aku duduk bersama dorang... And si Ameer sudah mula mengeluarkan kad-kadnya... Aku pun mula rasa okay! Yalah... it takes time for me to get along with strangers... Hehehehe..Eee...aku mau la sikit-sikit tentang magik ni... Tapi si Ameer yang Lokek ni namo kongsi. Hehehehe... biasalah... Magician! Uwawawa... Si Ajai yang Ceria... biasa jak la... Kerjanya senyum and ketawa jak. Ndak apalah... ertinya dia happy... Orang ndak fikir dia sewel pun... sebab aku ikut ketawa jugak... Hahaha... ya lah, aku rasa lucu pulak tengok dia ketawa-ketawa..

About Shaf...si Panjang... adakan lelaki yang kami jumpa di TS? Urm...aku try chat dengan dia. Dia reply balik. Well, malas mau cerita panjang-panjang.... kami masih kawan. :-D That's good! Uwaaa........................................... apa yang jadi lepas, lupakan jak. Kadang-kadang, aku rasa memang salah aku jugak. Dia macam agak merajuk bila aku sudah kasi ilang nombor handphonenya. Hahahaha... bukan apa.. Aku fikir dia ndak mau kawan aku lagi. Rupa-rupanya, dia masih mau kawanlah... Gosh..

I think..that's all for now... Maybe soon there are some more... Just wait and see!

Forget Him, Forget Him Not....

Gosh... why it is so hard to forget him? This is what I want, right? So, what is the problem? I should just forget him... I'm so disgusting with myself because I'm wearing his necklace so that he will stay close in my heart... but at the same time, i want to forget him! Yeark... Wanie, you've been such a fool!!! Stupid! Wake up!!! Wake up!!! You should realize that he don't love you anymore!!!

I'm trying so hard so that I won't cry... I don't want to cry. No..no...no... Man will say that NO WOMAN NO CRY. I will say NO MAN NO CRY! I'm not a weak person. I cry because I want to release my sadness...And now... I should stop cry for him... I'm not the one for him. He never satisfy with me...Whatever I do for him was wrong in his eyes.... There's nothing else that I can do anymore....

Wanie, you have to be tougher and stronger... you should know that he is not so IN to you... so believe me... it is better for you not to be with him anymore... I know that you loved and adore him so much... but...don't let this feeling make your life miserable.... Someday, you will find another person who loved you as what you are...

;-(

Don't look back

I'm trying not to look back...

At the time when we are so in love

When we will say I LOVE YOU so many times...

When we will not say goodbye to each other...

Because we are afraid of leaving our love...

I'm trying not to look back...

At the time when you still loved me...

When you will say that I MISS YOU so damn much...

When you will not shout and treat me like an animals...

Because you don't want to hurt me...

I'm trying not to look back...

At the time when you called me...

When you were willing to finish your credit for me...

When you will adore me so much...

Because you care much about me...

I'm trying not to look back...

At the time you change yourself...

When you are shouting at me like I'm a jerk...

When you don't treat me like your sayang...

because you don't love me anymore...

I'm looking forward now...

No more turning back...

No more looking back...

Life is still continue on...

Without you, without our love...

You And Me... END

I love you so much... but I don't think you loved me like I do. I'm trying my best not to cry. I've made this decision and I will stick with it. You said this is not the first time I asked for break-up with you... but it will be the last time. Believe me....

It is not easy to let you go. All this time I'm trying to be with you... I do anything so that you will satisfy with me. But my sacrifice is not enough to be with you. You ain't no happy with me.... and I just realize it... That's why I'm letting you go... You are free man now...

I know that I've been too selfish...I don't understand anything about you. One thing that I knew about you that you are not mine anymore. You know that letting you go is hard for me. But the hardest thing is knowing that your heart is not mine anymore. And that is why I'm leaving you away....

You may accuse me by saying that I have another boy in my life. I never lie to you... Never....never.... because I loved you so much. I want to be honest with you so that you will believe me. But being honest is not enough to save our relation. When you loved someone, you need to give 5 things. LOYAL, HONEST, LOVE, PASSION, UNDERSTANDING.

Well, as I realize for this few days.... I realize that we are lack of this 5 things. I don't have the UNDERSTANDING part. And you??? Well... you are grown up guy. You should know what do you lack of. I know I will live without you but like I said... I'm just a body without a spirit... And I know.... you will survive without me...

I'm hoping to be with you always and forever....But I think we should end here. There is no hope for both of us. Here I go again... trying to struggle with this life without you... Without a person named my boyfriend....

As I said last night... You will always be my HONEY BUNNY. There is no one else.. If after this I have another man in my life... He will be another person... He will not be my HONEY BUNNY. Because that name is specially for you...

We still be friends. Believe me. I'm not a person who likes to end a relation. If we are not in love anymore... I'm happy to be your friend. If you are bored... just give me SMS or ring... I will be there for you. I never hate you... Never.... Until now... I still love you. And I'm hoping... this feeling will fades away...

And I? I will continue my life without you... I will do the things that I did before I meet you... I will off my handphone each night before I went to sleep. I will seldom use my handphone. I know my life will be SUCK without you... but it is okay... I'm be okay with you...